Saturday, May 12, 2018

A Slight Miscalculation

And now for something a little different...
Back in high school I wrote a short story.  I never really planned to do anything more with it, but then a couple years later I had the idea of turning it into a comic. 
I... really didn't know what I was getting myself into.
So, many years and tears (and possibly Tears for Fears) after its initial creation, along with a few bajillion edits, I am finally proud to present:

Cover art for "A Slight Miscalculation," featuring Blake, Armageddon, and Monitor.
 
Herein is the story of an average guy... who's a well-intentioned extremist, rules twelve planets, commands an army of cyborg lizardmen, has a snarky son to deal with, and may need to lighten up.  You can also read it here.

Also, I wrote a soundtrack of sorts to go with it, so you can listen to that here.

And now... the rest of the story!


Initial wide far shot of the street.  This is followed by a closer shot of Armageddon's house with the roar of "BLAKE!!!" emanating from within.  Birds fly off, disturbed by the noise.
 
Armageddon throws the bedroom door open with a bang.  Armageddon:  There you are!  Blake doesn't flinch.  After a few moments, he pokes his head out from behind his copy of Pride and Prejudice and surveys the seven-foot-tall armored warrior standing over him, glaring down at the boy as menacingly as one can when his face is hidden behind a visor.  Blake (clearly unimpressed):  You bellowed?
 
Armageddon:  Unbelievable!  Joining the Chess Club is one thing.  I mean, I applaud strategy study.  But Book Club?!?  Blake:  What’s wrong with that?  It’s educational.  Armageddon:  You're kidding, right?  You know darn well that the practical value of Regency romance novels is extremely limited.  Educational is robotics.  Nuclear engineering.  Debate.  Not Jane Austen!  Blake:  Arguing is educational, huh?  Armageddon:  Comparatively speaking, yes.
 
Blake:  Never mind.  Look, I’m taking chemistry.  We’re doing liquid nitrogen on Wednesday.  Doesn’t that count for something?  Armageddon:  Barely.  But do you know what else I found?  Blake (closing the book in resignation):  Enlighten me.  Armageddon:  You’ve been spending your lunch hours playing Dungeons and Dragons!  How can you be expected to be taken seriously?!?
 
Blake:  Your soldiers play it too, you know.  Armageddon:  That’s not the point!  Given your heritage, is this really the best use of your time?  For starters, you're the son of ARMAGEDDON!  the–  Blake (reciting dully):  Arcane Overseer, conqueror of twelve worlds.  Yes, I know.  Armageddon:  Then act the part!  What possible real-world application is there for rolling around dice?  Blake:  Studying the laws of probability.  Did I mention my character is based on you?
 
Armageddon:  Wait, what?  Blake:  Well, we needed a supervillain-type character, and I thought some of your character traits would be a good match.  Armageddon:  I am not a supervillain!  I'm an overseer.  There’s a big difference.  (pauses)  What kind of character traits?  Blake (smirking a little):  Just some basics.  Favorite color:  black.  Favorite weapon:  electric sword.  Favorite movie:  Fantasia.  Favorite food:  apple pie.  Armageddon:  That’s it.
 
He snatches the book out of Blake's hands.  Blake:  Hey!  Armageddon:  You seem to be under the impression that I'm not serious.  He grips the book so hard that the cover starts to warp.  Are you trying to get yourself slaughtered out there?  Blake:  What do you want from me?!?
 
Armageddon pauses and considers.  Armageddon:  Basement.  Now!  He uses the book to prod Blake out of bed and out the door.  Blake:  I wanted to finish that!  Armageddon:  The girl gets the guy, and they live happily ever after.  Now move it.
 
Armageddon leads his son into his basement control room.  One wall is dominated by a huge computer array, while a strange piece of technology stands opposite.
 
In the center of the far wall there's an enormous, glowing, golden mechanical door frame.  Armageddon:  The EveryWay is the keystone for everything.  I wouldn't have gotten very far without it.  Of course, having an army of cyborg lizardmen helps too.
 
Points at the set of computer screens stationed across from the portal.  Armageddon:  And with my satellites, I can-  Blake:  Hold it.  Are you saying you want me to conquer a planet for you?  Armageddon:  No, that won't be necessary.  And unless I'm mistaken, you're not ready for this kind of negotiating anyway.  Blake:  Yeah, I guess I'll have to use some skill points on that next time I level up.  Armageddon glares at him.  Sorry.
 
Armageddon:  Just stay here and watch me demonstrate, but I'll want a full analysis when I get back.  I'm just going to start the initial annexation today, and we can beat out the rest of the details later.  Let's see, something tame....  He starts typing something as Blake collapses into a chair.  Armageddon:  Here we go.  "The Kingdom of the Rainbow Tulips."  Blake (sitting up, bemused):  The Kingdom of the what?
 
Armageddon (pointing):  It’s populated with fairy-winged unicorns.  Armageddon pulled up an image on the view-screen showing several brightly-colored unicorns happily hovering in the air and frolicking in the flowers, with a large, sparkly white castle nearby.  Additional shots are shown on screens below.  Armageddon:  Very basic defenses.  I need to whip it into shape before one of those trigger-happy "warlord" nuts makes a mess of things.  Blake:  ...They haven't already tried?  Armageddon:  They have pride issues.
 
Armageddon:  Lieutenant Monitor!  A fully-armored green cyborg lizardman rushes into the room.  Monitor (saluting):  Yes, Sir?  Armageddon:  Get your troops together.  We’re invading a world.  Monitor (startled):  Another one?  Armageddon:  Yes, another one.  Monitor:  Now?  Armageddon:  Now.
 
The lieutenant opens his mouth to protest, then thinks better of it and stomps back out the door.  Monitor (grumbling once out of earshot):  Dang it, he knows we've been organizing tonight's game night for the last three weeks.  Would it kill him to plan in advance, grumble grumble grumble...
 
Five Minutes Later:  Despite Monitor's grumblings, a mass of cyborg lizardmen soldiers is fully armed and assembled.  Armageddon (pacing up and down the rows):  All right, men!  This is a Protocol Epsilon mission.  We want those unicorns to benefit from this eventually, so don't hurt them.  Just scare them.  Although if you scare some of them to death, you won't be reprimanded.  The lizardmen are very pleased.
 
Armageddon flashes a map of the Kingdom on the projector screen and is just pulling out a laser pointer when the phone rings.  Armageddon:  They have a rudimentary magical defense, but are lacking in proper technology, so-  Blake (leaning over to look at the caller ID):  It’s your mom.  Armageddon sighs and picks up the receiver.  Armageddon:  Hello?
 
Grandma (over the phone):  Hi, Mickey!  I was wondering about your birthday–  The rest of what she says is drowned out by a roar of laughter.  It only takes him a moment to realize that he had been on speaker phone.
 
Blake (trying not to laugh):  Did they really not know about your nickname?  Armageddon slams the receiver down and draws out his sword, which promptly begins spitting blue electricity.  The soldiers in the front rows quickly back up.
 
Armageddon (in a low voice):  Does anyone have something he'd like to say?  The lizardmen shake their heads hurriedly, and one squeaks out a "No, Sir!"  Armageddon:  Good.  Move out!  He marches through the portal with the soldiers behind him, leaving Blake to sit back and watch the show.
 
Establishing shot of the Kingdom, showing happy unicorns and flowering trees before the portal opens in a final panel.
 
Armageddon and his army arrive in the middle of a meadow in the Kingdom of the Rainbow Tulips, and immediately the unicorns (all female) closest to the portal begin scrambling away, some running, some flying.  Armageddon grabs a small purple-and-pink unicorn by her hair, who lets out a piercing shriek.
 
Armageddon (growling):  Who is your leader?  Unicorn (squeaking):  P-Princess Crystallina.  S-she’s in the castle.  Armageddon tosses her aside and advances on the palace.
 
All the unicorns hurry into the buildings lining the streets leading to the castle, trying to avoid the oncoming army.  A number of uniformed unicorns are stationed outside of the castle wall, but at the sight of what approaches they too fly for cover.
 
Armageddon comes to a stop at the castle entrance.  Armageddon:  Princess Crystallina!  The front doors open and out steps a very pretty, very nervous-looking pink unicorn girl with pearly hair that reached the ground, topped with a glittery tiara.  She takes one look at Armageddon’s army and blanches.
 
Crystallina (whimpering):  Who...  What do you want?  Armageddon:  I am the Arcane Overseer Armageddon, conqueror of twelve worlds!  Surrender now, or face oblivion.  Crystallina:  Oblivion?  Oh no.  No, no, no.  You can’t mean that!  Some lizardmen in the background smirk.  Armageddon:  "Can't?"  Really?  He lights up his electric sword.
 
The princess snivels and bites her lip.  Crystallina:  Couldn’t we at least have a chance to defend ourselves?  Please?  Armageddon rolls his eyes, and several of his lizardmen shake their heads disparagingly.  Armageddon:  Let's be honest.  What can you possibly do?  Immediately a high-pitched scream rips through the air.
 
He whips around.  All of the unicorns who had run from them earlier are leaping out of the buildings, some wearing war paint and all wielding machine guns, bazookas, and flame throwers.  The soldier who had screamed tries to muffle himself, to no avail.  Crystallina:  Hey, Sprinkles!  Do you think we should get the boys?  Sprinkles:  Nah.  (tosses her a bazooka)  They wouldn’t leave enough for us to have fun with.
 
The masses of sparkly, fairy-winged unicorn girls grin at Armageddon and his suddenly puny-looking troop of lizardmen.  Crystallina:  Any last words?  (winks and aims her bazooka straight at Armageddon’s head)  Armageddon (whimpering):  Mother.
 
Thirty minutes later, the lizardmen stagger back through the portal.  Their armor is singed and dented, and all visible parts of their skin is bruised.  They stop and look around the room as if surprised it was there before stumbling into their quarters.  Only one stays behind, who instead curls up in the corner and begins humming “The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” in between sobs.
 
Armageddon comes in at the end of the line with Monitor.  Blake (watching the procession):  So...  Did you want that analysis now or later?  After poking at it ineffectively, Armageddon does a face plant on the control panel, which at least shuts the portal off.  Armageddon (wheezing):  Shut up and pass the aspirin.
 
Blake:  I got a lot of calls while you were gone.  Armageddon:  And?  Blake:  Those worlds you conquered all want new negotiations and/or secession, the Coalition of Warlords has officially designated you as a target, and Grandma wants to know if you want apple pie for your birthday again this year.  Armageddon collapses into a chair in a daze.  After a moment of silence, he removes his helmet and rubs his temples.  Armageddon:  I'm done for.  My empire's been pushed to the brink of ruin in less than an hour.
 
Blake glances at the computer screens.  Blake:  Oh, cool.  I’ve only had it uploaded for five minutes, and it’s already had nine hundred views.  Armageddon:  What I can’t understand is how they all...  Wait, what did you say?  Blake:  I’ve had it uploaded for five minutes, and it already has nine hundred views.  Armageddon bolts upright and realizes that Blake has a website pulled up.  Horrified, he stares at the computer screen.
 
A website is pulled up, containing a little video box with the title above it reading, “Lord Armageddon vs. the Rainbow Tulip Unicorns.”  Comments beside it indicate that the lizardmen stationed on other planets have seen it.  Armageddon:  You didn’t.  Blake:  What else was I supposed to do with it?  Armageddon:  You’re grounded.  Blake:  Darn.  I guess I'll just have to spend the weekend reading Jane Austen.  Armageddon doesn't respond, and instead stands wearing an expression that's a mixture of horror, anger, and disbelief.  Blake:  You know, you could always write a book about all of this....
 
Blake:  Then you could come to the Book Club meetings and sign copies!  Armageddon’s scream echoes among all the planets in the galaxy.

Thanks for reading!

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