Friday, March 26, 2021

Perfect Disaster

Person 1: Woah, what's going on? Person 2: Well, the elevator broke down, the plumbing ruptured, and the computer system crashed. Person 1: Yikes. Person 2: At least nothing's caught on fire yet. A water cooler promptly bursts into flame. Person 1: ...You know, that kind of coincidence usually only happens in sitcoms. Person 2: We're on TV? Cool! Hi, everybody!

 Eh.  Close enough. 

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Friday, March 19, 2021

Perfect Logic

Kindergarten teacher: Class, today we're going to draw pictures of our principal! 5-year-old Erin stares at the blank sheet of paper. Erin's thought process: What does a principal look like? She said his name is Mr. Black. Spiders are black... The teacher considers the final drawing. Teacher: It's... beautiful. I'm sure he'll love it.

 Yes, this is a true story.  A rare glimpse into the exact thought process of a five-year-old. 

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Friday, March 12, 2021

Temporary Pet

Mel (walking through the door): So, um, this little guy was hanging around our door... An orange cat follows her inside. Pearl and Carmine: Kitty! Carmine: You're such a pretty boy, yes you are! Pearl: Can we keep him? Mel talks on her cell phone, then hangs up. Mel: Okay, the apartment manager says he can stay until we find his owners. Pearl and Carmine (hugging the cat): Yay! Pearl: You just want to eat him, don't you? Carmine: You know, I actually don't!

 Being a vampire means having to clarify things people normally don't need to clarify. 

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Friday, March 5, 2021

Unstandard Procedure

Tough army guys flee an adorable chinchilla wielding a poleaxe. "Run! We never trained for this!"

 No one expects the chinchilla inquisition. 

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