Dilettante Comics: 2024

Friday, June 21, 2024

Magic Charm

A pair of astronauts are working on a space station, while a unicorn astronaut is fixing things with magic. Astronaut: All repairs finished, and the station greenhouse is ready to go! Captain (grumpily): I still maintain that unicorn magic is cheating.

I like to call it "working smarter."

Saturday, June 15, 2024

No More Mushroom

Man: You live in the middle of nowhere. What do you mean you're dealing with urban expansion? Old Woman: Look in the backyard. He sees the backyard is filled with mushrooms, which a closeup view shows are tons of little houses for woodland sprites. Man: Mushrooms? Oh, now I get it.

Hopefully they're benevolent new neighbors, or this could get really ugly really fast.

Saturday, June 8, 2024

Lavander

The mythical Lavander (lava lavender flowers)

Volcanoes don't generally smell nice, except where these are growing.

Friday, May 31, 2024

Bull Shark

A pair of merman police officers come to an old mermaid's front door. Officer: Ma'am, we've been getting complaints that you're keeping a bull shark in your home. Cut to a shot of a shark wearing a dog collar clearly visible and eating messily behind the lady. Mermaid: No idea what you're talking about.

Come for the safety risk. Stay for the sanitation hazard.

Friday, May 24, 2024

Poodle Revolution

A crowd of poodle dogs march down the street in a protest, carrying signs like "Viva la Poodle!", "No more stupid haircuts!", "Say no to the continental clip"

For reference, the "continental clip" is the official name of that particularly silly haircut used for poodles in dog shows. In theory it's based on the haircut used for poodles who actually needed to swim, or at least is a caricature of it. Meanwhile, multicolored poodles are prohibited from competition. Not the dumbest thing to ever show up in conformity shows, but still worth an eye-roll.

Saturday, May 18, 2024

Stinging Petal

Flowers to run away from: flowers with patterns resembling skulls, bloodstains, eyes, teeth, radiation, and disco.

Not a single one is the result of natural selection.

Yes, this one is a day late. My brain wasn't functioning yesterday. Possibly not today either, judging by this.

Friday, May 10, 2024

Metamorph

Instead of a butterfly coming out of a chrysalis, a flying purple hippo drops out.

Your results may vary.

Friday, May 3, 2024

A Page of History

A knight searches for his page - "404 Error: Page Not Found"

The origin of HTTP codes, to the exasperation of many knights.

Friday, April 26, 2024

The Cat's Funeral

Alex is digging the grave while Erin looks into the box. Erin: You know, I think he's still giving me a death glare. Which is actually kind of funny. Alex: Okay, I think it's deep enough now. Erin (putting the box in): Should I say a few words? They stand and bow their heads. Siren the cat, we didn't know you very long, though you looked at us with great reproach. But may you find sunlit meadows, plenty of food, and no carrot cultists. Amen. Alex (starts filling in the hole and singing): Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree? Erin joins in. I travel the world and the seven seas, everybody is looking for something...

The true story of a funeral held for a particularly ornery cat. R.I.P. Siren.

Friday, April 19, 2024

Blood in de Nile

Vampires congregate when Moses turns the Nile to blood. "It's true! God loves vampires!" "No, He doesn't!"

The reason why holy water was invented.

Friday, April 12, 2024

High School Lesson #5422

Two kids hide in a tree from an angry billy goat. "I think I'm going to be late for school." "Yeah, this was a mistake." High School Lesson #5422: Do not taunt the goat.

These horns were made for ramming, and that's just what they'll do.

Friday, April 5, 2024

Wingman

Anni Seed dresses up a pilot because Andrew said he needed a wingman. Andrew: I'm heading out, Anni. I... What are you doing? Anni: You said you needed a wingman for your date. Andrew: First of all, you're not a man in any sense of the word...

...But she gets points for trying to help.

Friday, March 29, 2024

Easter Basketball

Easter Basketball - a group of people in festive church clothes and flowery hats play basketball with a ball decorated like an Easter egg and the basket decked out with ribbons.

It had to happen sooner or later.

Friday, March 22, 2024

Cookie Pirates

Three kids dressed as pirates run into the kitchen where their mother is making cookies. "Storm the Starboard! Take no prisoners, only cookies!"

I have a sneaking suspicion that a dessert ban is in their future.

Friday, March 15, 2024

Bible Belted

An adult tells a kid to stop smiting people with the Word of God (i.e. whacking them with a Bible)

When Jesus said to suffer the little children to come unto Him, He didn't mean like this.

Friday, March 8, 2024

Clean Checked Out

Abram: Okay. Clean checks are tonight, so we need to get this apartment in shape. Ben, you're in charge of vaccuming. Ben: Will do. Abram: Cameron, you take the bathroom. Make sure you clean the shower. Cameron: We have a shower? Abram: Ew. Oh, and you'll need some toilet cleaner, so I'll pick some up when I'm at the store. Ben: We have a toilet? The other stop and stare at him. Ben: What?

There are many questions. I have no answers.

Saturday, March 2, 2024

Alpha Female

Mel, Pearl, and Carmine are in a dog pile, with Mel triumphantly sitting on top. "One is a vampire. One is a vampire hunter. But only one can be the boss."

It's not about your abilities. It's about knowing how to use them.

Saturday, February 24, 2024

Water Plus Fire

Poodle (water dog) + dalmatian (fire dog) = Steam(punk) dog!

Where there's steam, sooner or later there shall be steampunk.

Saturday, February 17, 2024

Series Serious

A boy and girl at the library both go for a book at the same time. Boy: Oh, pardon me. Girl: Sorry. Boy: You like this series too? Girl: It's my favorite! I've read the whole thing a dozen times. Boy: Me too! All the characters and monsters are so cool! Girl: I know, right? And that part when Jared summons the Revenant Sword? Boy: Oh, that was beautiful. I just wish that people would stop- Girl: The only problem is that people keep- unison: -reading the books chronologically instead of in publication order! They exchange glances, and then start kissing. Librarian (confused): Wait. Aren't those horror books?

And they all lived happily ever after. Hopefully.

Friday, February 9, 2024

Masculine Sparkles

A guy and a girl are looking at a catalog advertising "feminine rhinestone accents" on one of its t-shirts. Girl: Does this mean that "masculine rhinestone accents" is also a thing? Guy: Give me five minutes and a glue gun, and I'll make it a thing.

We should probably be afraid.

Friday, February 2, 2024

Condorian Gray

The Picture of Condorian Gray (Dorian Gray as a condor bird) "I can't tell the difference." "Rude."

Did his wish to stay young and beautiful forever come true? The world may never know.

Friday, January 26, 2024

Projected Failure

It's 8:50 PM. Your group member sends you an email. The group member who was assigned to submit the report for your group assignment. The report that all of your grades hang on. The report that is due at 9:00 PM. She tells you that she can't access the website that it's supposed to be submitted on, and therefore won't be able to turn it in. She knew about this problem three hours ago. Welcome to another week in Group Project Hell.

The memories still haunt me.

Friday, January 19, 2024

Overly Long Plot

The evil queen is plotting an elaborate scheme to get rid of Snow White. She's so into it that she doesn't notice Snow overhearing it, grabbing a backpack, and heading for the hills. Queen: Snow White has got to go. I know! I'll throw her in a cage in the woods... ...the huntsman will need a shovel to get through there... ...I'll need to offer three turnips... ...which will cause the rope to disintigrate... ...and then I'll eat her heart! Is that a little much? Handmirror: You realize she left, like, four hours ago?

I bet that mirror wishes it could have left with Snow White instead of having to listen to that entire monologue.

Friday, January 12, 2024

Noble Gas Station

A car parks at a "noble gas station," featuring the elements helium, neon, argon, krypton, and xenon.

I'm very curious what kind of mileage you can get with an inert gas.

Friday, January 5, 2024

Snow Art

A father looks out the front window at the bare grass. Dad: We got a foot of snow last night! How could it possibly have disappeared so quickly? Mom: Have you by chance seen what the kids did in the backyard? Dad: No, why? Cut to a shot showing the backyard, with a giant Statue of Liberty made out of snow.

They needed a lot of building material.

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