Don't Follow the Leader

This ought to be fun to explain to the house's residents.

I hope everyone had a happy Christmas (or whatever other miscellaneous December holiday you may have celebrated, though Christmas is the best and no, I'm not biased at all). 

Christmas in the Stars

Bonus Christmas Animation!


When you're several light-years away from the nearest Christmas Tree, you have to be creative.  

And if you're heading to the stars, the Christmas Star seems like a pretty good place to start. 

A Gift from the Heart

 

Just in time for the holidays, it's the new Dilettante Co. Phobitron™ model, the Demon Deer!  With its patented unearthly screech, it's guaranteed to stalk around the room and terrorize the living daylights of all those unfortunate enough to stand in its presence. 

When you are forced to share living space with a vampire, sometimes drastic measures must be taken.  Especially if the literal contents of your heart are at stake. 

Reindeer Name Games

Just to be clear, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph literally mean "thunder," "lightning," and "famous wolf."  Make of this what you will.

Let me be the first to say that it would be pretty cool if everyone's favorite caribou actually looked like this.  Particularly if they were all like Comet.  Really, is there any part of "reindeer in space" that doesn't sound cool?
Speaking of which, I just found out that at one point there was a reindeer constellation.  Even if it's no longer in use, it's nice to know someone agreed with me. 

The November Gauntlet

For music lovers, fighting the Christmas Creep can be brutal.

Personally, I think that the "Christmas Creep" is actually a supervillian, bent on tormenting Christmas-loving souls everywhere by pushing merchandizing earlier and earlier every year.  It would explain so much. 

Customer Service

Some people just can't handle the convenience of delivery service.  

They say the customer is always right.  This saying is immediately and irrevocably void when the customer has skimped out on his medication(s). 

Random Speed

I remember back in Drivers Ed, when my instructor would get so upset if a student asked what the speed limit was right after passing a speed limit sign.  I'm pretty sure that if something like this ever came up, even he would give up on trying to pay attention. 

Pipes and Paws

Ah, the grandeur of the Highlands.  If the local cats will allow it. 

On a related note, the people who say a bagpipe sounds like a dying cat are seriously exaggerating (which is, to clarify, not the point of this comic).  They only sound like that when they're being played wrong.  The sounds other instruments make when played wrong aren't any more pleasant (although maybe a little quieter).
For example, a trumpet played wrong sounds like a sick horse, a tuba played wrong sounds like an elephant sneezing, and a clarinet played wrong sounds almost exactly like a Canadian goose.  Get enough badly played instruments and you could have a whole zoo. 

Midnight Stake

One of Mel's roommates is a vampire, and the other is insane.  This won't end well.  For anyone.

Admittedly, this is at least quieter than the people who helpfully decide to crank up the tunes at 3:00 AM.  Or at least, it will be until roommates start trying to ax-murder each other.
...
Never mind.  It's still quieter. 

Mostly Trick

As I'm posting this on Halloween night, I thought it was fitting that the Deities of Death go Trick-or-Treating.  It's the one night a year when they can all walk around as themselves (or in Sedna's case, ride around in a little red wagon as herself). 

 As for me, I'm going as a werewolf this year.  So I guess I'm kind of going as myself as well. 

Everything's Relative

Sedna's story in a nutshell.

Today's comic features Sedna and her dad, Anguta, plus the Grim Reaper, Freya, Osiris, Isis, Hypnos, Thanatos, Hades, and Persephone.

Technically Anguta is a Deity of Death (his job involves hauling spirits to the underworld), but when you chop off your daughter's fingers, you don't get invited to many parties. 

Scream Cream

The self-proclaimed "goddess of ice cream" has fun with her underlings.

Perks of Helheim include year-round snowball fights.  Downsides include year-round frostbite. 

The Scottish Comic

Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth....

This year we're kicking off the annual October Deities of Death fest in a slightly more subtle manner.  Well, as subtle as you can get when a drama queen is chewing the scenery. 

Budget Zombie Hunters

As it's now October, it's now time to start thinking about Halloween costumes, unless you're one of those individuals who plans out theirs about 16 months in advance.  But why pay for a costume from the store when you can make your slaves, er, kids make their own?  

Fortunately, my parents can't ever pull this particular strategy on me because I still have my "zombie hunter costume" from the last time I painted the barn.
(Fun fact:  barn-red paint really is almost the perfect shade for fake blood.)

The Whole Caboodle

Momma needs a break.  And possibly some earplugs.

We have a herd of semi-feral cats living around my house, which like to congregate on our porch.  My father frequently complains that there are too many, and one of the mother cats seems to be in complete agreement. 


In other news, I had fun adding texture to the picture.  Can you tell?

High School Lesson #9666

As a general note to all science teachers:  lock up your chemicals.  And your pets.  Especially the ones with too many legs.  Keeping them at opposite ends of the school might also help. 

At the Science Mart

Pun levels have reached critical density.  Run for your lives! 

So here we have a truckload (or at least a shopping cart load) of scientific wordplay and other bad jokes, about half of which won't make much sense to most people.  But it made me happy, so humor me.

In the meantime, I can fulfill whatever education obligation may be randomly imposed on this blog by including links to all the stuff referenced here.  Yay!  Enlightenment stuff!

-Quark Soup
-Blueshift
-Primordial Soup
-Mendelian Inheritance
-Heim Theory
-Edwin Hubble
-Francis Bacon
-String Theory
-Charm Quark
-Brane

Normal is Relatives

This is a landmark comic in that Steve has, for the first time ever, been caught smiling.  Stand in shock and awe. 

Oh yeah, and we also finally find out Mel's roommates' names.  But that's not nearly as important. 


Do to extenuating circumstances, the addition of color to this comic has been only somewhat avoidably delayed.  This will be corrected once I awake from my coma.  And get some breakfast.  And maybe some more sleep.  But then color, I promise.

EDIT:  Now in technicolor!  This announcement should properly be accompanied by the Hallelujah Chorus, so hum the tune while you read this.  I know you all know it. 

I Fear the '90s

There were several good things about the 1990s.  This wasn't one of them.  Granted, there are plenty of nauseatingly cheerful toy commercials these days as well, but the '90s commercials had their own special brand of awful.  Not depicted is the obnoxious-yet-prone-to-get-stuck-in-your-head ditties that generally accompanied said commercials. 
...

...Never mind.  We've still got those.  


And my family wonders why I've never bothered to learn how to properly operate a television past off/on and volume. 

Business As Usual

The supers are back!  Well, one of them anyway.  Presenting Galestrom, possibly the most laid-back superhero to ever live.  The good thing is he can afford to.  The bad thing is... he can afford to. 
Heaven help you if you actually manage to make him mad. 

No S'more

Never agree to any bets that involve alcohol, fire, super glue, or glitter, either as terms for winning or punishment for losing. 

The Cake Vampire

And don't miss the sequel:  The Cupcake Vampire!

This is the reason why so many bakers coat their cakes in four-inch-thick layers of heavily food-colored frosting:  to provide extra protection against cake vampires.

At least, that's what I assume.  I certainly can't think of a better explanation. 

Three Years and Counting!

On August 5, 2011 I posted a cartoon of my mother bugging me to draw cartoons.  And thus was Dilettante Comics born.  What followed was three years of bright-colored pixels, sleep deprivation, horrifically bad puns, psychotic roommates, things even I don't understand, and hordes of vampires eating away at the woodwork.  Despite this, this blog has survived.
To commemorate this occasion, I have updated the banner that bedecks the top of this fair blog.  Hopefully everyone likes it (and if you don't, I've put too much work into it to justify switching it back).  For historic purposes, here is the original:

(Click to view full size)

Happy Birthday, Dilettante Comics! 

Buffalo Drill

Darwin Awards n:  an award commemorating those who bravely improve the gene pool by removing themselves from it.  To Sigfried's friend, we thank you. 

Behold, the average group of tourists at Yellowstone National Park.  Observe as they block traffic for several miles as they park their cars in sections too narrow to pass, skip back and forth across the road without bothering to check if another car is coming, and get ludicrously close to animals weighing about a ton, cheerfully ignoring the fact that these are the same animals responsible in the park's history for three times more attacks than bears.


If you've ever wondered why locals tend to grumble a lot at Californians, this is why. 

Beware the Shiny

This week concluded my final semester at college (Hallelujah!!! (nobody jinx it)).  As a side effect, I also had to pack, clean, and remove myself from my apartment, along with the rest of my roommates.  Unfortunately, there was a lot of unclaimed junk lying around, a result of several semesters' worth of roommates bequeathing stuff to other roommates, who then promptly forgot about it.  That led to this happening.  To elaborate, this roommate is one of a pair (the other wasn't present at the time) who are the very closest of friends when they are not actively trying to kill each other.  As in, one once literally tried to bite the other's face off.  How we avoided having blood splattered across the walls remains a mystery to me.  So you can understand why one of them being in possession of a large quantity of knives was of concern to the rest of us, even if none of use would be sharing an apartment with them again.  Pray for their future roommates. 

Finals: Flooding 101

Be careful what you wish for...

So thanks to my school's weird schedule, finals week for the semester is currently in full force.  Naturally, so is Murphy's Law.  Tuesday started out like a typical hot, sunny July day.  Then it hailed.  Then it stopped for a while, and then started raining.  A lot.  I didn't think too much of it until I looked outside my apartment and saw that there was a river where our parking lot had been.  This was only the beginning.  The majority of the sidewalks were submerged, half of the buildings on campus were flooded, and the testing center had been shut down.  The storm drains installed around campus did approximately zilch because apparently no one had thought to keep them clean.  Needless to say, everyone was soaked when it was over and the entire town was declared out-of-order.
This was, of course, the day that I had books due back at the library. 
Fortunately, no one (as far as I know) was hurt, all but one of the campus buildings was reopened the next day, and my apartment was spared, which allowed me to somewhat enjoy this bizarre turn of events.  As for the people downhill of where I live... er, not so much.  To those people, I really am sorry and I hope you can forgive me for making light of what happened and not try to hunt me down.  Hopefully we can all laugh about it in a few years. 

Go Notes, Go!

And so concludes another typical music major study session, in preparation for the onslaught that is finals week.  Cake shall be awarded to those who survive.  Flowers shall be given to those who don't. Or was it the other way around?

...Probably the first one.  Anyone know a good florist around here? 

National Gridlock Night

Otherwise known as the reason why those who live in towns with firework shows and want to retain any semblance of sanity stick to watching the show from the back roads a few miles away.  

To those who decide that it's worth the hassle to get seats up close: the radio personnel never sleep anyway, so they have a bit of a warped sense of humor when it comes to this sort of thing.  At least there will be lots of pretty (illegal) fireworks to watch on the sidelines as you inch your way home. 

Robot Monster!

Bask in its incomprehensible glory!  Bask, I say! 

Okay, so there are probably a few of you who have no idea what this thing is.  The short answer is:  no one really knows.  The long answer is:  this is Ro-Man, the titular character of the film Robot Monster.  This film is one of the most mind-breakingly bad movies of all time.  The "plot" is as follows:

Family goes on a picnic to the local gravel pit.  Family runs into wannabe scientists.  Obnoxious, trigger-happy little boy gets knocked out.  Then there are dinosaurs.  Then they're gone.  Apes in diving helmets attack and kill off humanity with some kind of death-ray.  Family and scientists survive because they have an antibiotic against the death-ray.  Because a death-ray is just like any disease.  Ape in diving helmet is unable to find the survivors, so it has to search for them on foot.  Ape lives in a cave, despite having "superior" technology.  And there are bubbles.  Girl falls in love with a guy who can never keep his shirt on, while neglecting to give him the boot to the head he so desperately needs.  Girl and stupid guy get married.  Girl and stupid guy go to frolic in front of the ape's cave for their honeymoon.  Predictably, ape kills stupid guy and abducts girl.  Ape falls in love with girl and has an emotional breakdown.  Ape overseers get sick of it all and nuke the whole planet.  More gratuitous dinosaurs.  Obnoxious little boy wakes up.  Everything was a dream.  Family is happy.  Then ape walks out of the cave three times in a row.
The end!

So why on earth did I design a movie poster for it?  Well, my illustration professor assigned us to create movie posters for one of our projects.  I drew some rough sketches of posters for various movies, and included a couple for Robot Monster as a joke.  Guess which sketch my teacher approved.

Fortunately, I found the result amusing enough that I figured that it would be okay to post it here.  Fortunate because I spent so much time this week on this and projects for other classes that I wasn't able to work on a real comic.  But everyone's okay with that, right? 

Story time over.  Back to work now. 

Sucker

Chupacabras (a.k.a. "goat-suckers") are monsters of widely varying physical description originating from Puerto Rico (though the alien-bug-thing seems to be the earliest variation, so that's what I went with).  I was actually kind of surprised that the stories have only been around since 1995, given how much material I've seen on them.  In any case, I decided that a beastie that is supposed to drain livestock dry would be perfect for a vampire farmer.

Right then.  Done explaining the joke now. 

Sleep is a Ritual

...a ritual in which I should really take part in one of these days.

As a general reminder to those of you who have roommates, or an apartment next door separated by a wall that's about as effective at muffling noise as a sheet of cellophane:  stalking around in black robes, rattling chains, chanting in long-dead languages, or performing arcane rituals at dark A.M. which may or may not involve sacrificing whatever that thing is that has been in the back of the fridge since last year is highly inconsiderate to the feelings and sleeping habits of those around you.  Please refrain from doing so. 

...Unless said ritual means the difference between success and utter failure on your final exam, in which case we all understand. 

But still, do it as quietly as you can. 

AfterMath

Thanks to my school's weird schedule, we're busy having midterms while everyone else is getting out for summer vacation.  But no matter when the tests are, the reactions to an overabundance of Murphy's Law is always about the same.
Better pack some aspirin. 

Concert Black

Some people have no sense of humor.

This one was inspired by one student in my organ class, who keeps begging the professor to let him spray-paint his shoes metallic copper, among other things.  He has never won so far, though that might actually be a good thing. 

I would admittedly be a little wary of any concert where the uniform did involve plague doctor masks.


On an unrelated note, what does it say when the only reason you know someone's name is because of her headgear? 

Cosmic Vampire Attack!!!

Once upon a time I threatened to do a space vampire comic.
Mission accomplished.


Yes, I know this post is very late.  Now in reality this was because I was facing artistic difficulties in getting the last panel to work (the original was completely different).  However, for my ego's sake can we all just pretend it was because I spent all weekend heroically fending off space vampires? 

No Re Mi

I'm probably going to get in trouble for this one.
Granted, given how many times I've had people being mauled by vampires in my comics it shouldn't come as that big of a surprise.  But still...

Anyway, this is what happens when a slightly psychotic music major has heard a certain song a few too many times.  But you probably already guessed that.



And because I'm now obligated to include the video that influenced part of this...

My apologies to the world in general. 

A Pet for a Zombie

Because what else would a zombie have for a pet?  

And no, I'm not going to tell you what kind of a job a zombie would have.  Mostly because I don't know, but also because I probably don't want to know anyway. 

Appearances Deceive

Because every apartment needs a fire-breathing vampire in residence.

Panic is generally an appropriate response when confronted with a fridge full of red liquid, bottled or otherwise. 
And it's probably best to not ask where all that hot sauce came from in the first place. 

Smell No Evil

 

 

Offensive smells are one of the world's most sophomoric forms of warfare, as anyone with a little brother can attest to. 

Phobitron

All new from Dilettante Co. is the Phobitron™!
Whether you wish to be rid of the resident moocher that you can't even count as a dependent on your taxes, or the roommate and his/her/its significant other has infected the residence with too much reality television, our lovable(?) mechanized characters will gently persuade them to leave.  When the job is too big for a Cabbage Patch Kid or that glitchy, decade-old furby you hide in the attic, call for Phobitron™! 

As an additional note, we're not kidding about the Traumata Cat.  After consulting with our legal department, we have decided that it should only be leased in extreme emergencies, which must be proved with photographic evidence and at least four eyewitness accounts.  On a related note, our photographer has calmed down a bit and promised to come out from under the bed by the end of the month. 



The funny thing is, while they're technically robots, it turns out it's surprisingly difficult to make an actually robot-like Phobitron sufficiently creepy without either including an obscene amount of weaponry or referencing H.A.L.



___




...aaaand because we haven't seen the soul-eating unicorn enough on this blog already... 

Right.  There we go. 

A Little Joust

"Father, I have sinned - I have drawn dinosaurs and hominids together in the same cartoon."  

~Gary Larson      

Drawing dinosaurs and early man together is historically inaccurate, but at least somewhat excusable.  

This isn't.  Bad little dilettante.  Bad.  

I did, however, do enough research to know that a) that's not a full-grown Triceratops, and b) its species name is horridus.  Two points for science. 

Now we should probably all leave before someone gets the bright idea to try jousting on a Tyrannosaurus. 

Movie Night

Most people are capable of being civil towards each other.  Some just need a little more ...persuasion than others. 

...And so the saga continues.  Making us (slightly) grateful for the roommates we already have since 2013.

Like a Broken Record

This is stop number two.  Please gather your personal belongings, and have a nice day. 
This is stop number three.  Please gather your personal belongings, and have a nice day.  
This is stop number four.  Please gather your personal belongings, and have a nice day...  

Really, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened.   

A month ago I drew a comic, and the computer ate it.  After recovering from a minor mental breakdown, I re-created it.  So here it is.  Given the subject matter, I'm pretty sure there's some irony in here somewhere. 

Three-Second Spring

Otherwise known as the reason it took ten years to convince anyone in Idaho that there was any truth behind Global Warming.

Admittedly, we've had some pretty nice weather in my area for the last couple of days.  After getting a snow-and-hail storm on Monday, of course.  It's a good thing I like the snow.
Funnily enough, I've met people around here who were sure we had seen the last of the snow around mid-March, blissfully forgetting that we regularly get snow into May.  Hence why I've made it my policy to be skeptical of all sunshine-filled weather reports until about August.

But then again, who trusts the weather reports anyway? 

Super Spit-Take

Super strength comes with a few drawbacks.  Others include accidentally slamming doors too hard and breaking keyboards when you type too fast.  Although to be honest, pretty much any power can go wrong.

I came up with a bunch of superheroes in my spare time, partially for fun and mostly because I need them for a short story I'm writing.  In the meantime, you lucky readers get to enjoy their not-quite-heroic antics.  So without further ado, here they all are (left to right, powers included):

Panels #1, 2, and 9:  Psychestream (telekinesis), Pulstar (light powers), and Gigaton (super strength, of course)
Panels #3-5:  Galestrom (wind), Depthcharge (water), and Triskelion (no powers, but lots of cool gizmos)
Panel #6:  Flicker (super speed), Shadowglance (force fields), Resonance (sound powers), and Electrifly (electricity)

And before anyone asks, the superhero base is hidden in part of a mountaintop weather station. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Dilettante Comics - the other DC.

...

Oh, come on.  I've waited forever to use that joke. 

Orbital Oversight

I'd call this karma at its finest.

Now I just have to figure out what would happen if Earth vampires ran into space vampires.  And we all know that the answer to that will inevitably become the basis for a future comic, right? 

...And We'll Call Him Dante

I once heard something along the lines of "the perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum."  The fact that I'm starting a post with this should probably tell you what's coming next.  Basically, the universe decided that I had used up all my good karma for the week on finishing the RPM challenge in time, so it crashed my art program.  Right as I was almost finished.  And I lost all my work.  And there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, and the heavens wept, and suddenly ninjas attacked, and yada yada yada. 

So... in light of the mood, I dug up an old animation I did of an evil little kitty:

Run for the hills, people. 


Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be spending the next three days in recovery mode.
Toodles!

Organ Transplant

The result of my 30-second crash course in heart anatomy.  You're welcome. 
I've kind of had music on the brain lately (not literally (I think)), as I've been trying to finish up my contributions for this year's RPM Challenge.  Which reminds me, if you don't hear from me again after this it means I musicked myself to death (is that a word?).  Or I've been hospitalized and am in need of what is depicted above. 

Now back to work.  Symphony to finish. 

Dances with Werewolves

It's a good kind of weird, though.

I planned on doing this comic for Valentine's Day weeks ago, and then recently discovered that this year the holiday lands on a full moon.  Clearly this was meant to be.

I love it when a plan comes together. 

Wardrobe Malfunction

They wear them for style, of course!
And also to provide a stereotypical shorthand so I don't have to explain the joke every time I draw a cartoon about vampires.  Which is about a quarter of the time. 

But mostly style. 

Thank You For Holding

Last week's comic brought to its natural conclusion.  It was too good to pass up. 

Please Hold

The hold line for the Financial Aid office at my school is like this, complete with the same flutey classical piece played on loop.  I assume it's to weed out the less desperate students. 

Communication Barrier

I've never seen it happen to this extent, but I've seen some teachers come close.  And I don't even play percussion.  You can tell which percussionists have missed their cues when the instructor starts shouting out their parts at them over the rest of the band.  Bonus points if he flat out ignores the rest of the band and starts air-drumming along to said part. 
That poor kid on the wood blocks last semester never got a break. 

Good Jokes are in Hibernation

A combination of non-functioning internet and blogger issues decreed that this comic would be late.  Personal illness decreed that this comic would consist of a really, really bad pun.  You still love me, right? 

Hit and Miss

This has been a public announcement from the Dilettante Comics advisory board, reminding you to watch where you're going.  Or else you might end up as subject material for a cartoon on this site, as seen above. 

Oh, and you also could get hurt.  That too.