Present Pass

He may be self-aware, but he's still a step behind.

From what I understand, the thing with Santa giving coal out to naughty children originated simply as a matter of convenience:  Santa fills stockings over the fireplace with goodies, and comes to one belonging to a poorly-behaved individual.  What to give them?  Oh, is that a coal bin by the fireplace?  Yeah, that'll do.  These days he's probably more likely to use some old corn chips he fished out from between the couch cushions.  Exceptions might be made for notorious repeat offenders.  Those require something... special.

If you're wondering about Webern (that's "Vay-burn"), he's a composer who specialized in atonal and twelve-tone "music."  Generally only music majors ever hear of him, and of those only about 1.2% actually like his work (and this is a generous estimate). 

Why This Jubilee?

Joy to the world!

Merry Christmas!

Pageant Tangent

There's always that one guy.

If you were wondering about how Herod died, let's just say that he got sick.  Really, really sick.  Exactly with what is up for debate, but the symptoms were nasty enough that I shall decline to elaborate.  But he really, really had it coming. 

Reinforcements

Honorary Santas sometimes need help too.  Though maybe not from Black Pete. 


Note:  Today's comic incomplete at present, due to technical difficulties. 
Edit:  100% completion achieved.  I can go to bed now! 

OrnaMental

When decorating the Christmas tree, my sisters and I try to maximize sparkles and happiness.  A certain brother of mine has a ...different method of organizing things.  He claims to have no memory of doing this.  This was last year, by the way. 

Bloodhound

A vampire in tow can be both a hematologist's worst nightmare and greatest weapon. 

Cart of the Joust

Dedicated to all sleep-deprived supermarket employees currently facing an onslaught of pre-holiday shoppers and the madness that comes with them, to the employees of stores in general who are trying to retain the will to live with Black Friday looming ahead, and to employees everywhere whose bosses can't permit a little semi-harmless letting off of steam. 

DVDon't

Tabasco sauce was not meant to be used in this fashion.  Of course, neither was ritualistic sacrifice.  Clearly the rule book was not prepared for every eventuality. 

Uniformly Drab

Finally, some honesty in advertising.  If it's a "neutral" color, shouldn't it induce merely shrugs instead of utter revulsion? 

This sort of thing is bad enough under normal circumstances.  However, I've traveled through some areas in which there is not only an excessive display of cookie-cutter beige-blah housing, but are also in climates where in fall and early spring, the landscape is the exact same "color."  Admittedly, I think the dead grass pulled it off better. 

It's Not Safe To Dance

If you feel the impulse do something that could wreck your reputation as a fearsome supernatural predator... lock your doors first. 

Transportation Frustration

Maybe they're both Viking death goddesses, but that doesn't mean they get along.  Especially when pets are involved. 

So from what I understand, the Norse had an interesting way of dividing up the dead:  half of those who die bravely go with Odin to Valhalla, the other half go with Freya to Folkvangr, and the ones who hide behind rocks making sock puppets while their friends get killed are trotted down to Helheim.  Or something like that, depending on who's telling the story. 


P.S.  Happy Halloween!

Asphodelightful

Only the wife can get away with this.

Keep in mind that they're immortal, and this is probably not the first (or the hundredth) time that Persephone's gotten into a mood.  Cerberus may be more patient than we realized. 

Canopic Chip

Today's snicker-doodle is brought to you by Osiris (mummified King of the Underworld), and his wife, Isis (she-who-wears-a-chair-on-her-head). 

Fun fact:  often, especially in the later years of Ancient Egypt, canopic jars weren't actually used for holding innards - they just kept them around as empty, ceremonial jars.  Which leads to the question of how often people were tempted to covertly stash stuff inside them. 

Hedge Your Bets

Grim Reaper Hedge-Trimming Services:  Your satisfaction guaranteed or your life!  ...wait, that didn't come out right...

For those of you just joining us, the month of October is host to the annual Deities of Death Fest, born as a consequence of excessive vampire jokes made during the rest of the year.  I'm pretty sure whoever coined the phrase "laughing in the face of death" didn't have this in mind, but here we are.  The usual brand of absurdity will resume after Halloween. 

Data Divide (Special Announcement!)

Some of you may have already seen, but if not, I'm happy to announce that my new story, Data Divide, is available with its soundtrack on Bandcamp!

This is a 75-page graphic novel about Elec (a rare sentient computer program), his mom (a human programmer named Sonia), and a program created by a different lab (who is trying to kill everyone).

Now the bad news is, I won't be putting it on this blog, for several reasons:  first, it's longer than "A Slight Miscalculation" and "Holly's Hallelujah" combined.  Second, I literally spent all summer and then some on it, and given how much stuff I've released for free, I don't think asking for compensation for this one is particularly unfair.
But third, and most importantly, this is a blog dedicated to silliness and happy stuff, and Data Divide definitely falls into the "bittersweet" category (the ending is fairly happy, but given the killer A.I. on the loose, casualties are expected on the way there).  Thus, I can't in good conscience stick it here.

Don't worry, I'll definitely put more stories on here in the future.  In the meantime, here's something I doodled while working on this project, featuring Elec and Lea (a non-sentient program).  It never made it into the story proper, due to time constraints, but I can see it happening:

Yeah, programs have weird anatomy.

Thanks, everybody!

Written in Chalk

When you need to drive home the fact that a student has just exercised an appalling lack of common sense, and you're not allowed to make him flat-out write "I am an idiot" a hundred times, there's this. 

Waxwork Like Clockwork

Having a building full of uncannily realistic yet distinctly un-alive figures is off-putting enough without the history behind some of the stuff associated with wax art.  You know, like death masks.  And voodoo dolls.  And recreations of disease and anatomy for medical students.  And the "chamber of horrors" which a significant percentage of wax museums possess. 
Honestly, it would be a lot weirder if there weren't any horror movies involving them. 

High School Lesson #0008

Face it, a lamppost is not the worst thing you could run into (and facing it will help prevent you from running into things in the first place). 

Claws for Concern

If some wolves start coming after you, don't run, because if you run, they will chase, and they're a lot faster than you are. 
But if some wolves are running from something else...  run like there's no tomorrow, or you really might not see it. 

Off to Battle

Or in other words, bring out the animal crackers!  It's already a circus!

I've managed to avoid most direct interactions with kindergarten classes since I got out of elementary school, but looking back I think my teacher must have had superpowers. 

We Just Came for the Cake

Just a very serious reconnaissance mission to observe Earthling culture.  Yep. 

Fangs for Brushing

Given that fangs are the most prominent feature of the typical vampire, I'd kind of be surprised if they didn't develop some rather elaborate dental-care rituals. 

Piñata Hockey

A violent sport involving whacking things with a stick and a violent party game involving whacking things with a stick are now merged into a single, glorious, sugar-coated disaster in the making. 

And it was good. 

Amen. 

Swimming Gag

Predictable and probably done before, but here we are.  My future self will probably look at this and cringe, but my present self is past the point of caring. 

Mechanical Machination

Appliances are very needy.  Need to be cleaned.  Need to have maintenance.  Need a steady balanced diet of electricity  Need a kiss and a hug whenever they get damaged, or they whine like no other.  They have very fragile psyches, which you wouldn't expect from things like a two-ton industrial refrigerator, but there you go. 

High School Lesson #2644

Go to summer school to fix up your Algebra 2 skills.  Come back having learned survival, strategy, teamwork, and basic warfare.  It's all educational. 

Fishing Game

Recreational vampire hunting at its finest. 

Trifolium Tritium

It's not often that bad puns and superhero origin stories cross paths.  Maybe for good reason. 

Pet Names

All things considered, "That Person Who Feeds Me" isn't the worst thing your pet could call you. 

Bloodbetting

Some reputations are pretty well-deserved.

And yes, bloodworts got their name from having red sap... which happens to be highly toxic.  Good for use as a dye.  Not-so-good for a snack. 

Ice Cream Grown

There's more than one way to make an ice cream cone, and this way you can justify the end result as vegetables. 

Genre-Specific

There's some very specific genres out there that you wouldn't think there would even be one book of, let alone several, but there they are.  For instance, Nascar Christmas romance anthologies.  Yes, really.

The Most Important Lesson

I hear that teachers often learn more than their students.  Not sure if this is one of those times or not.
Though maybe we should be more concerned over how the teacher hasn't caught onto the fact that not a single student has indicated what the class is actually on.

Red Rider

Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go! 
My wolf knows the way, and he better pray this doesn't stay status quo.

Leashes

I don't know for sure, but I strongly suspect that modern men's formalwear was invented by a woman.

Intravenomous

Wars are won and lost in the name of a good pun.

And yes, vampires being allergic to roses really is a thing.  I bet that could lead to a lot of interesting promotional sales at florist shops. 

Frankenstein's Comic

So I keep a list of all the ideas I come up with for future comics in a text document, and sometimes weird things happen.  I actually noticed this coincidence a while ago, but had to wait until I was too tired to veto this as a stupid idea. 

High School Lesson #2156

Yes, this is a continuation of last week, because I think we all knew it was coming.  The insanity plea can only pacify the janitor to a certain point when there's fry sauce on the walls. 

High School Lesson #2155

Sheesh.  Just one month and a few demon marmots, and the man's already cracked. 

Scream Sundae

Anything theoretically edible can be used as an ice cream topping.  That doesn't mean it should be. 

Cretaceous Concert

After the sheet music mix-ups, frozen French horns, jalapeño jam, flood, and tromboon, you'd think that high school band couldn't get much weirder.  Challenge accepted.

At least it ought to get him extra credit in both band and science class. 

This is the Real Life

A few of my family's goats recently had babies.  While several of the new kids act like little puppies, the runt of the group has taken this to ridiculous extremes, having managed to get himself essentially adopted by my sister.  He still spends most of his time outside with his real mom and siblings, though, which is good because there's no way a week-old baby goat is going to be housebroken.  Also because I'm still a little worried about the possibility that he absorbed some of that movie.  I rule out nothing.  

The Mandatory Red Button

It's always a red button that's not supposed to be pushed.  Not green or yellow or puce.  Red.  And it inevitably gets pushed before the movie or book or TV show or comic is through.  Is there some kind of law about this?  Will I get arrested by the Red Button Police if I include a should-push red button in a story?  Personally, I think a big, red button that initiates a cookie-baking sequence is a great idea. 

Manner of Speaking

Twelve out of ten victims agree that manners are important, no matter what your diet is. 

Cop Stop

I've never been pulled over, but I suspect that these are all extremely bad ways to try and get out of a ticket.  Nobody test this. 

Curiosi-tea

Just for the record, I did not come up with this idea just so I could make a pun.  Originally I was going to have the Martian girl having tea with just the rover Sojourner (a.k.a. the cute tiny one), but switched it to Curiosity and Spirit so I could have more than one rover at the party, since those two happen to be in relatively close proximity to each other.  I should also note that I was planning on doing this long before news got out that Opportunity, Spirit's twin, had shut down (Spirit itself got stuck in a sandtrap and had to end its mission years ago). 
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is simply a tribute to science, exploration, and the people who think heavy-duty space machines are adorable (which yes, includes myself). 

Cleaning Up

The laws of funny are not a force to be trifled with, nor is the cartoon deer who will exploit them at every available opportunity. 

Rite of Passage

A picture is worth a thousand words, what you put on the internet can and will be held against you, and never underestimate a mother's resources.

Out of Order

There's several reasons why Steve and Mel frequent Pulsar Pasta, and this is one of them. 

Pyro the Snowman

Awesome magical powers is no indicator of common sense. 

Invasive Species

Mankind has unleashed many terrible things upon the world.  Coal ash contamination.  Riced cauliflower.  The 1970s.  But the threat of feral snowboard packs surpasses all of that.  

So do your part.  Monitor your snowboard's activity, and report any wild snowboard sightings to the authorities immediately.  

Thank you. 

Optimistically Honest

Parents generally only say the first two words, but kids still hear the other twenty-two. 

Ice Scream

It occurs to me that this may be the most horrifying thing I've posted on here, other than that incident from figure drawing class.  But to be fair, there's a wendigo here.  Vampires and zombies have nothing on giant, cannibalistic, winter monsters. 
The good news is that they're not invincible.  Experts agree that they can be countered with heat, sunshine, and Beach Boys music. 

Vital Fluids

I know it's a little early for harvesting maple sap (or at least according to what I've read, since I don't live in Vermont), but I couldn't resist.  Though I have to wonder, if this makes sap "tree blood," does it also make blood "people sap?"
I won't go any further with this tangent, as I'm certain it won't lead anywhere in good taste (pun not exactly intended).